Are you living together like housemates? Feel taken for granted and not really in a loving relationship?
Deepest intimacy - Remember back to when you were first with you partner and your relationship was just starting? You were so in love and shared everything, talking for hour upon hour about everything. You couldn't get enough of each other, right?
You found time to be together whenever you could. Long into the night you would talk and share things, whether together or on the phone. You found you could talk about yourselves, past relationships, hope and dreams that you shared, personal disappointments, even your failures. You could talk about everything as you sensed that your partner was eager to know all there was about you. It felt safe to say anything because you partner loved you and did not judge you.
Shallower communication - Then things began to change. Love died. You felt disengaged and unloved. Chances are it started like this: She says something she wants to discuss and he replies with a negative comment, which is not what he usually does. If it happens a second time that she gets a negative response from him, she decides to not bring up that point of discussion again. Now she chooses her words more carefully in order to avoid getting a negative response.
He has noticed the change in her communication and asks, "Are you OK?" "Yes", is her abrupt response. He persists with, "Are you sure, you seem a bit different?" "Yes, I'm OK", she replies sharply. He then is somewhat taken aback by her harsh response. Now he also becomes careful about what he says in case he gets a negative response from her. Thus begins a downward spiral in intimacy where one no longer tells the other what they are thinking or feeling.
The bedroom - It's not long before problems develop in the bedroom with her harboring resentments against him. She is holding on to hurts from the past, prompted by his earlier negative responses. He feels confused and resentful as she distances herself physically from him and continues to snap and bicker. Her sarcasm really hurts sometimes, which of course it is meant to. They both begin to feel disconnected and not in the relationship as deeply as before.
Soon he approaches her for sex, seeking reassurance that this relationship is still OK. He wants to feel close again in the way he knows how. But she is feeling the distance too, and so is not responsive to his approach. She wants to talk about the hurts, the way she feels when he snaps at her, before she feels ready for sex. So she says, "No, not tonight". Several more answers of, "No, not tonight", and he stops asking because he doesn't like to be rejected. She notices that he stops asking and starts to feel more hurt, even more rejected than she did before.
Housemates - Once there is no emotional intimacy in a relationship they exist together as housemates. Sharing of feelings is non existent and conversation, whilst respectful, is non-engaging. She tip-toes around him being scared of his negativity and he refrains from telling her things he would like to, fearful of her hysterical response. They no longer have sex and their level of trust decreases. Instead suspicion and resentments rise resulting in petty arguments and bickering. The Housemate Syndrome has arrived! - 15784
Deepest intimacy - Remember back to when you were first with you partner and your relationship was just starting? You were so in love and shared everything, talking for hour upon hour about everything. You couldn't get enough of each other, right?
You found time to be together whenever you could. Long into the night you would talk and share things, whether together or on the phone. You found you could talk about yourselves, past relationships, hope and dreams that you shared, personal disappointments, even your failures. You could talk about everything as you sensed that your partner was eager to know all there was about you. It felt safe to say anything because you partner loved you and did not judge you.
Shallower communication - Then things began to change. Love died. You felt disengaged and unloved. Chances are it started like this: She says something she wants to discuss and he replies with a negative comment, which is not what he usually does. If it happens a second time that she gets a negative response from him, she decides to not bring up that point of discussion again. Now she chooses her words more carefully in order to avoid getting a negative response.
He has noticed the change in her communication and asks, "Are you OK?" "Yes", is her abrupt response. He persists with, "Are you sure, you seem a bit different?" "Yes, I'm OK", she replies sharply. He then is somewhat taken aback by her harsh response. Now he also becomes careful about what he says in case he gets a negative response from her. Thus begins a downward spiral in intimacy where one no longer tells the other what they are thinking or feeling.
The bedroom - It's not long before problems develop in the bedroom with her harboring resentments against him. She is holding on to hurts from the past, prompted by his earlier negative responses. He feels confused and resentful as she distances herself physically from him and continues to snap and bicker. Her sarcasm really hurts sometimes, which of course it is meant to. They both begin to feel disconnected and not in the relationship as deeply as before.
Soon he approaches her for sex, seeking reassurance that this relationship is still OK. He wants to feel close again in the way he knows how. But she is feeling the distance too, and so is not responsive to his approach. She wants to talk about the hurts, the way she feels when he snaps at her, before she feels ready for sex. So she says, "No, not tonight". Several more answers of, "No, not tonight", and he stops asking because he doesn't like to be rejected. She notices that he stops asking and starts to feel more hurt, even more rejected than she did before.
Housemates - Once there is no emotional intimacy in a relationship they exist together as housemates. Sharing of feelings is non existent and conversation, whilst respectful, is non-engaging. She tip-toes around him being scared of his negativity and he refrains from telling her things he would like to, fearful of her hysterical response. They no longer have sex and their level of trust decreases. Instead suspicion and resentments rise resulting in petty arguments and bickering. The Housemate Syndrome has arrived! - 15784
About the Author:
More expert advice on recognizing problem areas and dealing with a decrease in intimacy once your relationship deteriorates is available from Karen Gosling's website, which is all about surviving indifference.