It takes two people to make the decision to form a couple relationship. Your first such relationship to either live together or get married was probably made between two single individuals with few or no extra ties. It was less likely that there were children whose needs were to be considered at this stage.
Relationships or marriages made later in your life are more likely to have children attached to one or both of the couple. These children and their needs will change the way the new partnership can be structured.
I often ask patients why they married after enjoying a good relationship. Most often it is because they feel able to consider becoming a family and introducing children into their lives.
Sometimes their plans do not work out as they had hoped. Not everyone is equally fertile and sometimes trying for children at a later age makes conception difficult. This state can put a great strain on quite strong relationships.
Fertility treatment is more available now and brings its own stresses to the couple. This will be discussed at a later date. For this article we are assuming the couple have given birth to one or more children during their time together.
The pressures and changes that occur, as the children arrive, on the couples relationship can be quite damaging in the long term in some cases. In others the developing family can be extremely fulfilling to one or both parents.
Few couples realise the enormity of the change that takes place when their roles as Husband and Wife become extended into including being a Mother or Father too. It would be a good idea for you to take a pause at this point. You need to take time to consider what positives this change added to your relationship and how it might have added stresses to your marriage when it took place.
Many adults, particularly when under pressure, assume children understand the adult problems. It is very important that parents remember that children have no experience of adult emotions. It is unfair of the parents to try to involve them in the couple's affairs and the solutions they are trying to find to their problems.
The emotional needs of the children can be very draining on a marriage. So much so that the needs of the couple get completely swamped. At this stage it is not surprising that it appears easier to go for a divorce than face the necessary repair work to get the balance back into the family relationships again.
With support from professional help it is possible to re-gain some better management of the pressures from all the members of the family. By sorting out the lack of balance in the family affairs a better and stronger couple relationship can eventually emerge.
It is time to stand back and re-balance all the different roles you have to juggle. If the pressures have caused rows and arguments, you the adults are actually arguing over grown up issues.
The children do not understand about how adults have to fulfil different roles. How they have to try to meet needs for themselves, their partner and their children. When parents talk of loving each other- their interpretation of the word love is different from the love a child feels for its parent and vice versa.
What the children hear and understand is that their parents argue, or fight and the result is to make them anxious. They are totally dependent on the parents for their protection in every way. To them, parents splitting up and possibly leaving the only home they know, is devastating to the child. Their need for security is stronger than their need for a happier atmosphere.
Even as children become teenagers they can hear about adult emotions. This still does not mean they can fully be aware of the problems that their parents are dealing with in their marriage or relationship. Adults who experience parental divorce in their childhood very often express how for years after the split they hoped the parents would get back together again.
When parents are involving the children in the breakdown of their relationship the children suffer much painful trauma because of being exposed to anxiety. The children have no way of caring for themselves without their parents and so being pulled by the individuals from one to the other is very unkind to them. It is better to try to avoid involving the cdhildren until a path has been sorted out and their welfare assured.
It is very difficult for them if they are expected to take sides between the parents. They will learn from experience , soon enough, if one parent is less available than another. They will be able to understand the reasons later on when they become adult themselves.
It is difficult to put ones self in the childrens shoes, but the adults would help them deal with the situation better, if the adults remember the children do not understand the implications and workings of adult relationships and emotions. They are too complicated!
What the children see, hear, feel and experience is how the current situation is attacking, or at least affecting, their own small personal world. The children are helpless and cannot change their world themselves. Pretty scary for them.
If you have found this article helpful and interesting I suggest you visit my website where these issues are explored in more depth. You might find the report offered about marriages facing divorce would be helpful to you at this time. To visit the website click the link below: www.readaboutyourself.com/divorce.html
Use Ctrl+Click to follow the link or copy and paste it into your browser. I look forward to meeting you there. If you have questions or queries please use the Contact Us page.
See you at the website! Dr E Gordon - 15784
Relationships or marriages made later in your life are more likely to have children attached to one or both of the couple. These children and their needs will change the way the new partnership can be structured.
I often ask patients why they married after enjoying a good relationship. Most often it is because they feel able to consider becoming a family and introducing children into their lives.
Sometimes their plans do not work out as they had hoped. Not everyone is equally fertile and sometimes trying for children at a later age makes conception difficult. This state can put a great strain on quite strong relationships.
Fertility treatment is more available now and brings its own stresses to the couple. This will be discussed at a later date. For this article we are assuming the couple have given birth to one or more children during their time together.
The pressures and changes that occur, as the children arrive, on the couples relationship can be quite damaging in the long term in some cases. In others the developing family can be extremely fulfilling to one or both parents.
Few couples realise the enormity of the change that takes place when their roles as Husband and Wife become extended into including being a Mother or Father too. It would be a good idea for you to take a pause at this point. You need to take time to consider what positives this change added to your relationship and how it might have added stresses to your marriage when it took place.
Many adults, particularly when under pressure, assume children understand the adult problems. It is very important that parents remember that children have no experience of adult emotions. It is unfair of the parents to try to involve them in the couple's affairs and the solutions they are trying to find to their problems.
The emotional needs of the children can be very draining on a marriage. So much so that the needs of the couple get completely swamped. At this stage it is not surprising that it appears easier to go for a divorce than face the necessary repair work to get the balance back into the family relationships again.
With support from professional help it is possible to re-gain some better management of the pressures from all the members of the family. By sorting out the lack of balance in the family affairs a better and stronger couple relationship can eventually emerge.
It is time to stand back and re-balance all the different roles you have to juggle. If the pressures have caused rows and arguments, you the adults are actually arguing over grown up issues.
The children do not understand about how adults have to fulfil different roles. How they have to try to meet needs for themselves, their partner and their children. When parents talk of loving each other- their interpretation of the word love is different from the love a child feels for its parent and vice versa.
What the children hear and understand is that their parents argue, or fight and the result is to make them anxious. They are totally dependent on the parents for their protection in every way. To them, parents splitting up and possibly leaving the only home they know, is devastating to the child. Their need for security is stronger than their need for a happier atmosphere.
Even as children become teenagers they can hear about adult emotions. This still does not mean they can fully be aware of the problems that their parents are dealing with in their marriage or relationship. Adults who experience parental divorce in their childhood very often express how for years after the split they hoped the parents would get back together again.
When parents are involving the children in the breakdown of their relationship the children suffer much painful trauma because of being exposed to anxiety. The children have no way of caring for themselves without their parents and so being pulled by the individuals from one to the other is very unkind to them. It is better to try to avoid involving the cdhildren until a path has been sorted out and their welfare assured.
It is very difficult for them if they are expected to take sides between the parents. They will learn from experience , soon enough, if one parent is less available than another. They will be able to understand the reasons later on when they become adult themselves.
It is difficult to put ones self in the childrens shoes, but the adults would help them deal with the situation better, if the adults remember the children do not understand the implications and workings of adult relationships and emotions. They are too complicated!
What the children see, hear, feel and experience is how the current situation is attacking, or at least affecting, their own small personal world. The children are helpless and cannot change their world themselves. Pretty scary for them.
If you have found this article helpful and interesting I suggest you visit my website where these issues are explored in more depth. You might find the report offered about marriages facing divorce would be helpful to you at this time. To visit the website click the link below: www.readaboutyourself.com/divorce.html
Use Ctrl+Click to follow the link or copy and paste it into your browser. I look forward to meeting you there. If you have questions or queries please use the Contact Us page.
See you at the website! Dr E Gordon - 15784
About the Author:
Dr.Gordon has spent 25 years working with couples experiencing marriage problems.Using the information gathered from many hundreds of patients she has prepared a New Free report which describes some of the pitfalls to be avoided at this sensitive time.You will find many helpful tips and ideas of the support that is available to you at this critical time.